A Guiding Light
By Jordana, Process Graduate 2020
“Most people are in a prison from their childhood and rather than move out, they would prefer to decorate their cell”.
Ron Luyet, Process Founder
Children want an honest relationship. To feel loved, to be seen and protected. There has always been a part of me that just loves the light. As a child, I loved the light and had so much joy in sharing that light, my light, with others. There were times when I heard keys in the front door, I would run to the front door shouting out “Daddy’s home, Daddy’s home.” Other times, it would be putting on a theatrical show in the living room, giving family members a 10-minute curtain call, so all could be gathered together. Those were early examples of me being authentic, in my light.
When I was born, my mother’s post-traumatic stress was triggered. It was then that I started compromising my light/truth to be accepted by her. I had to be in a “lesser than” space for her to give me any attention, lesser than meaning being in a worse state than she was, hurt, sick, or injured. This is a pattern she learned from her mother, my grandmother. I learned to start dimming my light.
A child will cling to a dysfunctional parent, for if we are abandoned we will die.
I became my mother’s emotional spouse for survival and did everything I could to save her. I got traumatized over and over as I had an inability to protect myself or set boundaries. A child cannot bear emotional abuse or abandonment without losing herself.
I built my life on saving my mother and developed a dis-ease called codependency, a loss of self-identity, clinging to her by embodying her stance and taking on her traits. There is no loyalty in self-sacrifice. That is a slow and very painful suicide. I dimmed my light a little more without knowing it; I was shutting down my light every time I was silenced.
What I learned to do with her when I was child, I expected when relating to others in my adult life. And when these behaviors got triggered by people, I would shut down. The shutting down is from old neurological imprints. As I clear, I am clearing these childhood traumas. I don’t need to shut down, I can stay more in my light, I have more choice. I have more freedom. And this freedom creates space to allow me to receive.
The Process is a form of deep confession. It takes great courage to go back into charged childhood scenes where knowingly or unknowingly I gave up a part of myself. Either way results in a dimming of the true self. Today is my birthday and as a gift to myself, I just completed The Process weekend seminar for the second time. I was reminded that boundaries are not against the person: boundaries are set against a person’s behavior. My going back into the past is being supported by the Process therapists who are an anchoring of compassion and clear, wise insight.
I continue my path of growing in life-giving new awareness.
Today, my mother will most likely not call, text, or send a card. I feel a genuine sadness in not having a relationship with my mother but sadness is no longer my dwelling place. It has taken a long time to get to this place and accept that my mother, because of her own wounding, cannot love me unless I am in the “lesser than” space.
You see, I have learned to stabilize and to set a healthy boundary with her. This boundary is a consistent light that allows me to be me. I am no longer available to self-neglect and to giving myself up. As I work on these traumas, I am learning to set a boundary with people who make me feel as though I have to hide my light. These traumas have been blocks to my true light. By getting out of the prison, removing these blocks, I can have new compassion for the people and their situation.
My life has honestly been like climbing the Himalayas, a very tough climb, with many, many valleys. Looking back, there has been a guiding light sustaining me the whole way. Real transformation takes time. This is a journey of my own unique path, of discovering my true vital authentic self. As I am learning more and more to clear these early reactions, or constraints, of my past, I get to the raw pain of being separate from the light. As I heal, my channel is more open and I can stay in the light more. I am writing about this because this is what I have to do to reclaim my light. Moving forward, staying in my light is more of a choice. It is because of this awareness of how I shut down that I can have the choice to stay within the light.
I have made a commitment to be true to myself and to learn to accept new ways of believing and acting. My mother is welcome to join me in that space; however, I will not be joining her in the old way. This is a service I offer my mother, this is love. At times, I talk to my mother in spirit and she wants me to be free from the prison of my childhood. I pray the same for her and all of you who are reading this.