A Guiding Light

By Jordana, Process Graduate 2020

“Most people are in a prison from their childhood and rather than move out, they would prefer to decorate their cell”.

Ron Luyet, Process Founder

Lighthouse guiding light

A guiding light

Children want an honest relationship. To feel loved, to be seen and protected. There has always been a part of me that just loves the light. As a child, I loved the light and had so much joy in sharing that light, my light, with others. There were times when I heard keys in the front door, I would run to the front door shouting out “Daddy’s home, Daddy’s home.” Other times, it would be putting on a theatrical show in the living room, giving family members a 10-minute curtain call, so all could be gathered together. Those were early examples of me being authentic, in my light.

When I was born, my mother’s post-traumatic stress was triggered. It was then that I started compromising my light/truth to be accepted by her. I had to be in a “lesser than” space for her to give me any attention, lesser than meaning being in a worse state than she was, hurt, sick, or injured. This is a pattern she learned from her mother, my grandmother. I learned to start dimming my light.

A child will cling to a dysfunctional parent, for if we are abandoned we will die.

I became my mother’s emotional spouse for survival and did everything I could to save her. I got traumatized over and over as I had an inability to protect myself or set boundaries. A child cannot bear emotional abuse or abandonment without losing herself.

I built my life on saving my mother and developed a dis-ease called codependency, a loss of self-identity, clinging to her by embodying her stance and taking on her traits. There is no loyalty in self-sacrifice. That is a slow and very painful suicide. I dimmed my light a little more without knowing it; I was shutting down my light every time I was silenced.

What I learned to do with her when I was child, I expected when relating to others in my adult life. And when these behaviors got triggered by people, I would shut down. The shutting down is from old neurological imprints. As I clear, I am clearing these childhood traumas.  I don’t need to shut down, I can stay more in my light, I have more choice. I have more freedom. And this freedom creates space to allow me to receive.

The Process is a form of deep confession. It takes great courage to go back into charged childhood scenes where knowingly or unknowingly I gave up a part of myself. Either way results in a dimming of the true self. Today is my birthday and as a gift to myself, I just completed The Process weekend seminar for the second time. I was reminded that boundaries are not against the person: boundaries are set against a person’s behavior. My going back into the past is being supported by the Process therapists who are an anchoring of compassion and clear, wise insight.

I continue my path of growing in life-giving new awareness.

Today, my mother will most likely not call, text, or send a card. I feel a genuine sadness in not having a relationship with my mother but sadness is no longer my dwelling place. It has taken a long time to get to this place and accept that my mother, because of her own wounding, cannot love me unless I am in the “lesser than” space.

You see, I have learned to stabilize and to set a healthy boundary with her. This boundary is a consistent light that allows me to be me. I am no longer available to self-neglect and to giving myself up. As I work on these traumas, I am learning to set a boundary with people who make me feel as though I have to hide my light. These traumas have been blocks to my true light. By getting out of the prison, removing these blocks, I can have new compassion for the people and their situation.

My life has honestly been like climbing the Himalayas, a very tough climb, with many, many valleys. Looking back, there has been a guiding light sustaining me the whole way. Real transformation takes time. This is a journey of my own unique path, of discovering my true vital authentic self. As I am learning more and more to clear these early reactions, or constraints, of my past, I get to the raw pain of being separate from the light. As I heal, my channel is more open and I can stay in the light more. I am writing about this because this is what I have to do to reclaim my light. Moving forward, staying in my light is more of a choice. It is because of this awareness of how I shut down that I can have the choice to stay within the light.

I have made a commitment to be true to myself and to learn to accept new ways of believing and acting. My mother is welcome to join me in that space; however, I will not be joining her in the old way. This is a service I offer my mother, this is love. At times, I talk to my mother in spirit and she wants me to be free from the prison of my childhood. I pray the same for her and all of you who are reading this.