We had a house guest once who did not treat our house as I wanted him to. He crossed my personal boundaries with his behavior. I got mad, but said nothing.
Over the next few hours, I seethed and tried to calm myself as I went to my yoga class. “It doesn’t matter, what he did.” Ah, but it did. He crossed my boundaries and by God, I was mad.
Our yoga class focuses a lot on the breath. Breathing helps. About two thirds the way through the class, I was able to take a fresh look at the issue. I asked myself, “What was his understanding of this situation? How did I contribute to this situation?”
Here is the answer I came up with: I had not been clear with my expectations for him and his behavior. He is quite young, and I was not clear enough. Then it became a communication issue, and I stopped blaming him for his behavior. My mad dissipated by the end of the class.
Had he still crossed my boundaries? Yes. Was he to blame? Partially. Was I to blame? Partially. Did I still feel violated? Not so much, but yes, a little. Could I do it better next time? Undoubtedly.
Did I talk to him about it? No, I did not, because the behavior just wasn’t that important. OK, that is really a justification. What is true is that I wasn’t ready to share my own failings with him. That implies a level of intimacy and vulnerability that I was not ready for with this person.
Next time I will do it better. And perhaps by that time, I will also be better able to speak my mind and my feelings, and be who I am – with the vulnerability that implies.