Sometimes I find myself making negative judgments about people I do not even know. We all do it in traffic: “That idiot just cut in front of me.” And we make snap judgments of others when we see them, whether we know them or not: “She looks like such a pig in that outfit!”
Why do we do this? And what can we do about it?
When we make these judgments, we are doing two things:
- We are using our own set of stereotypes to categorize a person. Everyone who cuts into a traffic lane must be an idiot.
- We are likely projecting onto someone else parts of ourselves that we don’t like. I am secretly afraid that I look like a pig in my outfit.
And, more importantly, we are reinforcing negative judgments, negative thoughts and negative behaviors in ourselves.
Maybe there is a different scenario for the driver. Perhaps the driver is late to pick up her children. Perhaps the person behind her was tail gating and she was only trying to get out of the way. OK, maybe her driving wasn’t as stellar as it could have been, but can we give this person a break in our thinking? Would it be fair to say, “I don’t like it when people cut in front of me”? Aha: now I have the answer. When someone cuts in front of me, I DON’T LIKE IT. There is no reason for me to call the other driver an idiot, when instead I should be claiming my own angry feelings.
There are a number of things we can do to cut down on the negative judgments. First we must recognize them for what they are: opinions based on very little fact, in which we have had an immediate and visceral reaction. If someone made the same snap judgment of you, would it seem fair to you?
When I catch myself judging others unfairly, I will often verbally restate, even when the original judgment was in my thoughts only. I say out loud, “Let me restate that. I don’t like it when you cut in front of me. It makes me feel disrespected.” Or simply, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me for what I just thought.”
To understand our projection onto others of our own faults, it is useful to identify our own major source of internal upset . Am I feeling sad, or angry about something? Did I get enough sleep? Am I anxious about a presentation or some other work? I personally tend to project aspects of my own (negative) self-image on others. I know my driving is too aggressive, and when someone cuts in front of me, I accuse them of being aggressive. When I make negative judgments of someone else’s attire, then I have to admit that I, myself, am too focused on clothing and image. Perhaps I am afraid that I look fat/ugly/outdated in the outfit I chose to wear today!
The Process work can help stop the negative judgments. In the Process, we learn about our shadow sides, where they come from, and how to forgive and even love those parts of ourselves. We also learn to listen to our higher selves, and to more clearly recognize the underlying feelings.
Once we learn more about who we are inside, particularly in our negative aspects, and accept that about ourselves, even if it is not pretty, then our negative judgments of others will slow down to a trickle, and eventually stop.