Romantic Myths
I recently read a piece by Scott Kalechstein <http://www.scottsongs.com/> from 2007, “The Journey of Relationship Going From Here to Maturity.” Let’s focus on three of his “Romantic Bubbles that must be busted.”
1. I can get all my needs met by one person– my soul mate will do that for me.
2. The right person will make me happy.
3. Being in a relationship will increase my self-esteem and add meaning to my life, putting an end to my loneliness, issues of rejection, and feeling abandoned.
We believe these “romantic bubbles” because they are part of the dominant Western culture. Look at the fairy tales we grow up with. Cinderella lives happily ever after with her prince, as does every other Princess heroine, once she finds her prince. Our mothers and fathers believed these myths too.
Let’s look at each one in turn:
1. I can get all my needs met by one person– my soul mate will do that for me.
Yes, you can get all your needs met by one person, but it is not your soul mate. It is yourself. You must become that which you need. Through your own growth, you can become emotionally self-sufficient. Once you are, then you are able to love another completely and unconditionally, without the undercurrent of “I will love you only if you will meet my needs/love me.”
2. The right person will make me happy.
Again, this is true to some degree. The wrong person can make life difficult, while the right person can add to our own love and joy. But the real truth is that happiness is something we each create for ourselves. It comes from within. It does not depend on our circumstances, worldly goods, or partners. It is an attitude, a state of mind, that you can create for yourself.
3. Being in a relationship will increase my self-esteem and add meaning to my life, putting an end to my loneliness, issues of rejection, and feeling abandoned.
Not true. When a relationship is new, and in the “honeymoon” stage, we have an influx of happiness that appears to be from our partner. Life seems to have more meaning, and we feel less lonely, accepted, and that all is right with the world. This relationship stage is often short-lived. If you want to truly increase your self-esteem, have meaning in your life, and end your loneliness, you must learn how to do this for yourself. In my experience, it is the childhood messages that we received from our parents that created poor self-esteem (“Don’t bother me now! Can’t you see that I am busy?”), a lack of meaning (“What do you mean you are not interested in history/geography/math? Your job is to get a good grade!”), and self-rejection (“Why can’t you be good like your sister/brother/cousin/friend?!”, or “”Why did I ever have children!”).
The take-away message here is that having the right soul-mate is a good thing but it will not solve your inner problems. Once you take responsibility for your own happiness , self-esteem, and feelings of acceptance/rejection, you can become the person you were meant to be. Then, because you are a happy person, because you accept yourself, you will be able to attract the appropriate soul mate.